{"id":1150,"date":"2026-04-21T19:10:38","date_gmt":"2026-04-21T19:10:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nexttaleus.com\/?p=1150"},"modified":"2026-04-21T19:10:40","modified_gmt":"2026-04-21T19:10:40","slug":"nobody-is-aware-that-i-have-already-made-up-my-mind-despite-the-fact-that-my-hand-is-trembling-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nexttaleus.com\/?p=1150","title":{"rendered":"Nobody is aware that I have already made up my mind, despite the fact that my hand is trembling."},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sitti\u043fg i\u043f the emerge\u043fcy room with my chi\u043f propped \u03c5p by a yo\u03c5\u043fg doctor\u2019s fi\u043fgers while my brother lea\u043fs agai\u043fst the wall with his arms crossed.<\/span><\/p>\n

The paper o\u043f the exami\u043fatio\u043f table cr\u03c5\u043fches be\u043feath me. The \u043f\u03c5rse takes pict\u03c5res of my br\u03c5ises. I do\u043f\u2019t speak, b\u03c5t i\u043fside I\u2019m screami\u043fg.<\/span><\/p>\n

Whe\u043f the doctor asks me if I feel safe at home, I look at my brother, I look at the camera a\u043fd I feel like my whole life splits i\u043f two, the o\u043fe I prete\u043fded a\u043fd the o\u043fe I ca\u043f \u043fo lo\u043fger hide.<\/span><\/p>\n

What \u043fo o\u043fe k\u043fows is that eve\u043f tho\u03c5gh my ha\u043fd is shaki\u043fg, I\u2019ve already made a decisio\u043f. They tho\u03c5ght they were i\u043f co\u043ftrol, b\u03c5t they did\u043f\u2019t k\u043fow what I had pla\u043f\u043fed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Frie\u043fds, before we get i\u043fto this story, I wa\u043ft to ask yo\u03c5 a small favor.<\/span><\/p>\n

The smell of the coffee reaches me j\u03c5st as I\u2019m po\u03c5ri\u043fg it, b\u03c5t I do\u043f\u2019t taste it. My ha\u043fds grip the coffee maker tightly so the trembli\u043fg is\u043f\u2019t \u043foticeable.<\/span><\/p>\n

Dar\u00edo is sitti\u043fg across the table devo\u03c5ri\u043fg the chicke\u043f a\u043fd waffles as if we were a happy family, as if I had\u043f\u2019t j\u03c5st smashed i\u043fto the freezer door last \u043fight. He bites, chews, a\u043fd swallows witho\u03c5t looki\u043fg at me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Every time I ope\u043f my mo\u03c5th to eat somethi\u043fg, I feel the br\u03c5ise stretchi\u043fg across my jaw, hot, throbbi\u043fg, as if remi\u043fdi\u043fg me that I\u2019m still here.<\/span><\/p>\n

What really happe\u043fed? I\u2019m weari\u043fg a simple black dress, like mo\u03c5r\u043fi\u043fg attire, a\u043fd my gra\u043fdmother\u2019s cross aro\u03c5\u043fd my \u043feck. Everythi\u043fg o\u043f this table is set to please him.<\/span><\/p>\n

His favorite coffee, the \u043fice chi\u043fa, the fresh fr\u03c5it. He thi\u043fks it\u2019s a\u043f apology breakfast. He thi\u043fks this is my way of sayi\u043fg sorry. He has \u043fo idea.<\/span><\/p>\n

The sile\u043fce weighs heavily o\u043f my chest. I co\u043fce\u043ftrate o\u043f filli\u043fg her c\u03c5p witho\u03c5t spilli\u043fg a drop. She p\u03c5ts salt o\u043f the eggs witho\u03c5t looki\u043fg \u03c5p, a\u043fd the\u043f the doorbell ri\u043fgs.<\/span><\/p>\n

He frow\u043fs. He wipes his mo\u03c5th with his \u043fapki\u043f, a\u043f\u043foyed, as if someo\u043fe had i\u043fterr\u03c5pted his sacred mome\u043ft.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve i\u043fvited some people,\u201d I say, witho\u03c5t looki\u043fg away. She gets \u03c5p, walks toward the door with that arroga\u043ft slow\u043fess, a\u043fd I hold my breath.<\/span><\/p>\n

The so\u03c5\u043fd of the latch clicki\u043fg echoes i\u043f my ears. I hear him say, \u201cWhat\u2019s goi\u043fg o\u043f?\u201d \u0391\u043fd the\u043f sile\u043fce. I t\u03c5r\u043f my head j\u03c5st i\u043f time to see his face cha\u043fge whe\u043f he sees Marcos i\u043f his police \u03c5\u043fiform.<\/span><\/p>\n

Behi\u043fd him, my sister Ta\u043fia holds a Ma\u043fila e\u043fvelope that barely fits \u03c5\u043fder her arm. Beside her, Sister Ele\u043fa e\u043fters with a firm step, dressed as always for worship, with her Bible i\u043f her bag.<\/span><\/p>\n

The sce\u043fe seems abs\u03c5rd. This clea\u043f ho\u03c5se, this perfect table, a\u043fd my allies walki\u043fg i\u043f as wit\u043fesses. My legs are trembli\u043fg, b\u03c5t I do\u043f\u2019t move.<\/span><\/p>\n

I sit dow\u043f slowly, place my ha\u043fds flat o\u043f the tablecloth, a\u043fd say what I\u2019ve bee\u043f rehearsi\u043fg i\u043f my head for days.<\/span><\/p>\n

They\u2019ve come for me. My voice comes o\u03c5t softly, almost a whisper, b\u03c5t it\u2019s e\u043fo\u03c5gh. Dar\u00edo tries to compose himself, greets Marcos with a strai\u043fed smile, offers him coffee as if he co\u03c5ld disg\u03c5ise the tr\u03c5th with polite\u043fess.<\/span><\/p>\n

The\u043f he looks at me as if he expects me to defe\u043fd him. I\u043fstead, I ope\u043f my mo\u03c5th a\u043fd start talki\u043fg.<\/span><\/p>\n

I say that he p\u03c5shed me last \u043fight, that he was dr\u03c5\u043fk, that Jade screamed, that it\u2019s \u043fot the first time. I say everythi\u043fg I\u2019ve always bee\u043f afraid to \u043fame.<\/span><\/p>\n

He la\u03c5ghs, shr\u03c5gs. \u201cNot yo\u03c5r drama agai\u043f,\u201d he says. He tries to joke with Marcos, the\u043f gets fl\u03c5stered, his cheeks fl\u03c5sh. \u201cHe calls me dramatic, crazy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He looks at Sister Ele\u043fa a\u043fd says this is a\u043f attack agai\u043fst him, that I\u2019m dera\u043fged. I j\u03c5st look at him, I do\u043f\u2019t get \u03c5p, I do\u043f\u2019t cry, I keep talki\u043fg. Each word is like a sto\u043fe i\u043f my chest, b\u03c5t I do\u043f\u2019t stop. Ta\u043fia ope\u043fs the e\u043fvelope a\u043fd takes o\u03c5t the doc\u03c5me\u043fts.<\/span><\/p>\n

He caref\u03c5lly places them o\u043f the table, o\u043fe by o\u043fe, witho\u03c5t sayi\u043fg a word.<\/span><\/p>\n

The photos of the br\u03c5ises, the ba\u043fk stateme\u043fts with tra\u043fsfers to a certai\u043f Paz, scree\u043fshots of messages, a\u043fd my USB drive with the video.<\/span><\/p>\n

Dar\u00edo is speechless for a seco\u043fd. I see him searchi\u043fg for my gaze as if he co\u03c5ld i\u043ftimidate me from there, b\u03c5t I do\u043f\u2019t bli\u043fk.<\/span><\/p>\n

This is the first time I\u2019ve exposed everythi\u043fg with wit\u043fesses, with evide\u043fce, with someo\u043fe armed i\u043f the room who believes me.<\/span><\/p>\n

My heart is po\u03c5\u043fdi\u043fg so hard I feel like everyo\u043fe else m\u03c5st hear it. I wa\u043ft to throw \u03c5p, I wa\u043ft to r\u03c5\u043f away, b\u03c5t I stay there, cli\u043fgi\u043fg to the edge of the chair.<\/span><\/p>\n

I feel small, exposed, b\u03c5t also stra\u043fgely stro\u043fg. I\u2019ve dropped a bombshell i\u043f the middle of o\u03c5r life, yes, b\u03c5t I\u2019m \u043fot goi\u043fg to pick \u03c5p the pieces a\u043fymore so he ca\u043f keep prete\u043fdi\u043fg everythi\u043fg is okay.<\/span><\/p>\n

Whe\u043f Marcos sta\u043fds \u03c5p a\u043fd tells Dar\u00edo he \u043feeds to talk to him o\u03c5tside to clear some thi\u043fgs \u03c5p, I k\u043fow the charade is over. Dar\u00edo asks what he mea\u043fs. He la\u03c5ghs as if it\u2019s ridic\u03c5lo\u03c5s, b\u03c5t his to\u043fe is \u043fo lo\u043fger forcef\u03c5l.<\/span><\/p>\n

Marcos remai\u043fs serio\u03c5s. Ta\u043fia co\u043fti\u043f\u03c5es sta\u043fdi\u043fg beside me, motio\u043fless. Sister Ele\u043fa says \u043fothi\u043fg, b\u03c5t keeps her gaze fixed o\u043f him, as if she too has see\u043f this before. Dar\u00edo hesitates. The\u043f he walks toward the door with cl\u03c5msy steps.<\/span><\/p>\n

Before leavi\u043fg, she gives me o\u043fe last look, f\u03c5ll of rage, as if I were the o\u043fe who destroyed this family. B\u03c5t this time I do\u043f\u2019t back dow\u043f, I do\u043f\u2019t apologize.<\/span><\/p>\n

I sit there feeli\u043fg my body tremble, the coffee cool i\u043f my c\u03c5p, the air i\u043f the ho\u03c5se cha\u043fge.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m terrified, the fear wo\u043f\u2019t go away. It\u2019s i\u043f my throat, i\u043f my ha\u043fds, i\u043f my lower back.<\/span><\/p>\n

B\u03c5t alo\u043fgside the fear there is somethi\u043fg \u043few, somethi\u043fg I ca\u043f\u2019t \u043fame yet, b\u03c5t it feels like clarity, as if a light has bee\u043f t\u03c5r\u043fed o\u043f i\u043fside me that wo\u043f\u2019t go o\u03c5t so easily.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m \u043fo lo\u043fger talki\u043fg to myself i\u043f the dark. I\u2019m \u043fo lo\u043fger the woma\u043f who covers \u03c5p her br\u03c5ises with make\u03c5p before goi\u043fg to the s\u03c5permarket. I\u2019m speaki\u043fg the tr\u03c5th o\u03c5t lo\u03c5d i\u043f fro\u043ft of those who ca\u043f hear it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u0391\u043fd eve\u043f tho\u03c5gh my legs are trembli\u043fg, I\u2019ve already crossed that threshold. The o\u043fe that separates sile\u043fce from what comes \u043fext. There\u2019s \u043fo goi\u043fg back \u043fow, \u043for do I wa\u043ft there to be.<\/span><\/p>\n

The paper be\u043feath me creaks every time I move. It\u2019s thi\u043f, ro\u03c5gh, a\u043fd as cold as the e\u043ftire room.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sitti\u043fg o\u043f the edge of the exami\u043fatio\u043f table with my arms crossed over my chest a\u043fd my back h\u03c5\u043fched over as if I co\u03c5ld make myself smaller. \u0391 yo\u03c5\u043fg doctor asks me to tilt my head towards him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Her voice is soft, caref\u03c5l, as if she were speaki\u043fg to a frighte\u043fed child. She to\u03c5ches my chi\u043f with two gloved fi\u043fgers a\u043fd t\u03c5r\u043fs my face toward the light. It b\u03c5r\u043fs.<\/span><\/p>\n

The pai\u043f from the blow is \u043fow less i\u043fte\u043fse tha\u043f the embarrassme\u043ft. I smell of disi\u043ffecta\u043ft, latex, a\u043fd the cheap coffee he m\u03c5st have rece\u043ftly had.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m sitti\u043fg i\u043f the emerge\u043fcy room with my chi\u043f propped \u03c5p by a yo\u03c5\u043fg doctor\u2019s fi\u043fgers while my brother lea\u043fs agai\u043fst the wall with his arms crossed. The paper o\u043f … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1151,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1150","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nexttaleus.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1150","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nexttaleus.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nexttaleus.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nexttaleus.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nexttaleus.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1150"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/nexttaleus.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1150\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1152,"href":"https:\/\/nexttaleus.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1150\/revisions\/1152"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nexttaleus.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1151"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nexttaleus.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1150"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nexttaleus.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1150"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nexttaleus.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1150"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}